Reflections
Reflections
Occasional writing on relationships, anxiety, and the work of feeling more like yourself — in plain language, from my chair in Victoria.
Individuals · 2026-10-31
Why can't I cry anymore?
You feel the weight of things, but the tears stopped coming years ago. On the trained numbness so many men carry — what it protects, what it costs, and how feeling comes back.
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Couples · 2026-10-24
My wife says I'm emotionally unavailable. What does that actually mean?
Most men who hear this are reliable, present in the house, and baffled by the charge. She is describing something specific: she reaches for you and gets a fix, a shrug, or a pleasant nothing back. It is a skill problem more than a character problem — and skills can be learned.
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Couples · 2026-10-24
Why you keep fighting about money (it isn't the money)
Arguments about money are the strongest predictor of divorce — ahead of children, sex and in-laws — and they are almost never about the arithmetic. That is exactly why they keep coming back.
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Individuals · 2026-10-23
Black swan people: who changes your life, and how to find them
Some people arrive without warning and change everything after them. You can't schedule one, but you can make yourself easier to find — and learn to recognise one when they show up.
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Individuals · 2026-10-22
Am I burnt out, or depressed?
Exhausted, flat, short-tempered — the words fit both. The difference shows up in where it follows you and what rest does. Here's how to tell them apart, and what to do about each.
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Couples · 2026-10-19
ADHD in your marriage: a superpower, but not an excuse
The energy, curiosity and courage that come with ADHD are real, and often part of why your partner fell for you. ADHD can explain why holding back is harder. It doesn't move the job of holding back onto your partner.
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Couples · 2026-10-19
Why most couples therapy doesn't work — and what RLT changes
You sat on the couch, each told your side, felt heard — and had the same fight on the drive home. Here's what the research says about why couples therapy so often fails, and what Relational Life Therapy does differently.
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Individuals · 2026-10-14
Why won't my therapist just tell me what to do?
Most people wish their counsellor would just tell them what to do. Even a good answer rarely sticks. The decisions you reach yourself are the ones you act on, and they make you better at the next one.
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Couples · 2026-10-10
Can a marriage survive an affair?
More often than not, if the affair is out in the open and both of you do the work. The five-year research, why the secret does more damage than the affair, and what repair asks of each of you.
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Individuals · 2026-10-03
Why do I get angry at the people I love most?
Patient with clients all day, then sharp with your family by 6:15. It is a common reason men come to therapy, and it is not a sign you love them less. It is a pattern, and patterns can be worked with.
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Couples · 2026-09-26
Is it normal to feel lonely in my marriage?
Lonely while lying next to someone is one of the most common things people bring to my office, and one of the least talked about. It is not a verdict on the marriage. It is a gap — and gaps close from one side.
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Individuals · 2026-09-19
How do I get my husband to go to counselling?
The pitch is the problem. What moves a reluctant husband is not a better argument for therapy — it is one true sentence about your own life, one finite ask, and your willingness to go without him.
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Couples · 2026-09-13
Closeness is a pull, not a push: why listening beats talking
You share the story, you explain the point, you try harder — and the room gets no closer. Closeness does not work that way. It is a pull, and the tools are listening and asking, not talking and telling.
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Couples · 2026-09-12
Should we separate or try counselling first?
If one of you is halfway out the door and the other is holding on, you are not disagreeing about how to fix the marriage. You are disagreeing about whether to try. That is the first piece of work.
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Individuals · 2026-09-10
Relationship anxiety: when it's time to see a therapist
You check their tone, replay the text, and brace for the day they leave. Relationship anxiety is common, exhausting, and treatable — and there's a clear line between the ordinary kind and the kind worth getting help for.
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Couples · 2026-09-05
Is it emotional dysregulation, or is it BPD?
The nine-criteria checklist will not tell you what you want to know, and there is experimental evidence the attempt makes you worse at seeing your partner. Here is what does help.
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Couples · 2026-09-05
How to love a high-functioning partner
They are superb in public and absent at the kitchen table. The research says something most partners have backwards — and it says half-measures make it worse.
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Individuals · 2026-09-02
Am I a narcissist? What narcissism actually is — in you, in them, and when a little is fine
The word gets thrown at exes, bosses and parents. Here's what narcissism actually is, how to tell in yourself and in someone else, and why the research says a little of it may be good for you.
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Couples · 2026-09-02
Why being in business with family is so hard — and what actually helps
Family businesses run on relationships that were cast decades before the org chart. Here's why that hurts, what the research says about conflict in family firms, and how good governance plus straight talk keeps the family and the company intact.
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Individuals · 2026-09-02
Caring for aging parents: the caregiver stress nobody warned you about
You're tired, short with your partner, guilty when you rest, and grieving a parent who is still here. None of that means you're doing it wrong. Here's what the stress of caring for an aging parent actually is — and what helps.
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Couples · 2026-08-28
What couples counselling costs in Victoria, BC
The real Victoria price range, why the same hour costs $155 in one office and $220 in another, what MSP and your benefits actually cover, and the most-quoted statistic in couples therapy — which turns out to be wrong.
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Individuals · 2026-08-27
Back-to-school anxiety: what actually helps
The last week of August has a particular weight to it. Here's what's actually happening in an anxious kid, why reassurance stops working, and what the research says to do instead.
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Individuals · 2026-08-27
Freedom is a felt sense — and it sits at the heart of wellbeing
Freedom isn't the absence of ties, and it isn't a place you get to. It's the felt sense that your life is yours — and the research keeps finding it's built in connection, not away from it.
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Individuals · 2026-08-25
Why anxiety grows as we age — and how connection calms it
More anxious at 60 than you were at 40? You're not imagining it, and you're not alone. What turns the volume up as we age — and what turns it back down.
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Individuals · 2026-08-16
Internal boundaries: the protection you carry with you
You can't set house rules for every grandiose boss, parent, client, or partner-on-a-bad-day. Internal boundaries protect you anyway — invisibly, and without a fight.
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Individuals · 2026-08-16
The Sunday funday, prescribed: Victoria activities that actually lift your mood
Not all fun refuels you. A therapist's field guide to Victoria Sundays that actually move the needle on your mood — and how to spend them with the people you love.
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How I Work · 2026-08-15
Why I chose Victoria — and what I hope to build here
There were easier places to open a therapy practice. I picked Victoria on purpose — because this city takes quality of life seriously, and quality of life is mostly quality of relationships.
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Individuals · 2026-08-14
AI lets you do ten things at once. Your body is keeping score.
The tools juggle beautifully. You don't. What AI-era multitasking is doing to your stress physiology — and how to get your attention, and your evenings, back.
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Individuals · 2026-08-10
The shame I carried — and what finally helped
For years I carried a verdict I couldn't argue with: not good enough. Here's what chronic shame actually is, why willpower doesn't touch it, and what finally did — from someone who did the work from the client's chair first.
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How I Work · 2026-08-10
Why I practise Relational Life Therapy
Of all the ways to do therapy, I built my practice on Relational Life Therapy. Here's the honest case for it — including why it works for people who are skeptical of therapy.
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Couples · 2026-08-10
Why intimacy matters — and what it actually is
Intimacy is the maintenance system of a relationship — and its quiet erosion is how good couples drift into being roommates. Here's what it actually is, and how to rebuild it.
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Individuals · 2026-08-10
Why men wall off when they feel challenged
The wall isn't indifference. It's a defence — usually built long before the relationship it's now costing. Here's what's actually happening when a man goes quiet, and what helps.
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Getting Started · 2026-08-08
What to expect in your first therapy session
The scariest part of therapy is usually the not-knowing. Here's exactly what happens in a first session — and why you don't need to have anything figured out to start.
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Individuals · 2026-08-08
Anger is the tip of the iceberg
For a lot of men, anger is the one feeling that got a pass — so everything else comes out as anger. Here's what's under the iceberg, and how to work with it.
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Couples · 2026-08-08
The strong, silent type is costing you your marriage
The silent man thinks he's keeping the peace. He's usually keeping the quiet — and slowly losing his marriage. Here's what's really behind shutting down, and how to stop.
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Individuals · 2026-08-08
Why strong men go to therapy
The old script says a strong man handles it alone. It's quietly costing men their health and their relationships. Here's what strength actually looks like — and what men do in therapy.
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Individuals · 2026-08-08
Why “just stop worrying” never works — and what actually helps anxiety
If being told to “just relax” has ever made you feel worse, you already know the problem. Here's why anxiety doesn't respond to willpower — and what does help.
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Couples · 2026-08-08
Why you and your partner keep having the same fight
If it feels like you have the same argument over and over — just with a different subject each time — you're not broken and you're not alone. Here's the cycle underneath it, and how to start changing it.
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You don't have to figure this out alone.
The consultation is 15 minutes, by phone, and free. We'll talk about what's bringing you in, what you're hoping will change, and whether I'm the right person to help. No preparation, no pressure to book.