Reflections · Individuals
Why won't my therapist just tell me what to do?
Because even a good answer from me is unlikely to change what you do. I don't have all the information about your life — you do — and the research on advice is fairly blunt: people discount it, push back against it when they didn't ask for it, and follow even their doctor's instructions only about half the time. My job as your counsellor is to help you reach a decision you will actually act on, and to leave you better at making the next one. I will tell you the truth about what I see. The decision stays yours.
The wish is reasonable
You arrive tired. You have turned the question over for months — stay or go, take the job or turn it down, have the conversation with your father or let it lie — and you would like someone with training to settle it. Some version of “just tell me what you'd do” comes up in a great many first sessions. I understand the request. Paying someone and then being asked what you think can feel like having your own homework handed back.
I don't have the information you have
In an hour a week I hear your account of your life — your account, on that day, in that mood. You hold the rest: forty years of history with your mother, the way your partner's face changes when money comes up, what you felt in your chest the last time you pictured leaving. Any answer I gave you would be built on a fraction of that, and some part of you would probably know it.
Across studies of advice-taking, people typically move only 20 to 30 per cent of the way toward advice they receive and keep the rest of the weight on their own view. Ilan Yaniv at the Hebrew University, who named this egocentric discounting, traced it largely to a simple asymmetry: you can see all of your own reasons, and you can see almost none of the advisor's. If I told you to leave your marriage, you would be weighing my conclusion without my reasons — and against all of yours.
Even good advice usually isn't followed
Medicine is the cleanest test, because a doctor's instruction to take a pill is about as concrete as advice gets. The World Health Organization found that adherence among people with chronic illness in developed countries averages only about 50 per cent. If half of us do not reliably follow a prescription for our own heart, “leave him” or “call your sister” from a counsellor probably has worse odds.
Advice that cuts against what a person already believes can do worse than fail. In a set of four studies, Gavan Fitzsimons and Donald Lehmann found that when an expert's unsolicited recommendation contradicted people's first impressions, they did not just ignore it — some deliberately chose the opposite. Psychologists call this reactance: the push we feel to reclaim a choice when someone else tries to narrow it. It is the same reason telling a reluctant husband he needs therapy tends to make him dig in.
Answers you reach yourself are the ones you act on
Elliot Aronson, one of the most decorated social psychologists of the last century, spent decades comparing direct persuasion with what he called self-persuasion — setting things up so people argue themselves into a change. In his research, self-persuasion generally produced the more powerful and longer-lasting change.
Motivational interviewing is built on drawing out a person's own reasons for change rather than supplying them. A 2018 meta-analysis led by Molly Magill found that when therapists used those skills, clients produced more “change talk” — their own arguments for changing — and a higher share of change talk was linked to better behaviour change at follow-up. Clients' arguments for staying the same predicted worse outcomes. In brief treatments for depression, David Zuroff and colleagues found that how much clients felt their reasons for being in therapy were their own predicted how well they did.
There is a second payoff, and people rarely ask for it. If I decide for you, you leave with one answer and the same process that got you stuck. If you work it out — notice what you are afraid of, separate what you want from what you think you owe, test the options against what you value — you leave with a method. The next hard decision goes better, and you need me less, which is how therapy is supposed to end.
What does that look like in the room?
Facilitating your decision does not mean nodding and asking how that makes you feel. The model I trained in, Relational Life Therapy, is more direct than most. Terry Real built it on telling clients the truth about what is happening, including the parts of their own behaviour they would rather not look at. On who decides, though, he is clear with the therapists he trains: “Don't get out ahead of your client.”
| What I will do | What I won't do |
|---|---|
| Tell you plainly what I see, including patterns you may not like | Tell you whether to stay in your marriage or leave |
| Teach specific skills — how to repair after a fight, how to ask for what you want | Pick the job, the city or the family boundary for you |
| Slow you down at the point where you usually rush | Pretend I know your life better than you do |
| Point out when what you say you want and what you do don't match | Hold the decision so you don't have to |
| Offer my view when you ask and it would help, labelled as one view | Treat you as wrong for choosing differently than I would |
There is one exception. If your safety or someone else's is at risk, I will be directive, and I will say so. If you are in crisis right now, call or text 9-8-8 or the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888, at any hour.
How to get the most from a counsellor who won't decide for you
Bring the question, not the verdict you are hoping to have ratified. When you catch yourself asking “what would you do?”, notice which answer you are hoping to hear — that is often information about where you already lean. Try saying your own answer out loud first, then ask your counsellor to push on it. Ask what they notice rather than what you should choose. And expect it to feel slower at first; deciding is a skill, and most of us were never taught it. If the question in front of you is whether to stay in a relationship at all, discernment counselling is built for exactly that, and individual therapy is the place for decisions that are yours alone.
I would rather you leave my office able to make the next hard decision without me.
Common questions
Why won't my therapist give me advice?
Most counsellors avoid making decisions for clients because outside advice is usually discounted or resisted, and because you hold information about your life that they do not. Many will share observations, teach skills or offer a view when you ask. What they generally will not do is make your life decisions for you.
Is it wrong to ask my counsellor what they would do?
No. It is a reasonable question and a useful one to bring. A good counsellor may answer it, clearly labelled as one person's view, or may ask what answer you are hoping for, since that often shows where you already lean.
Will you tell me whether to leave my partner?
No. I will help you see the relationship clearly, tell you honestly what I notice, and help you work out what you want and what you can live with. The exception is safety: if you are being harmed or are at risk, I will say so directly and help you plan for it.
Isn't Relational Life Therapy supposed to be direct?
Yes. Relational Life Therapy is more direct than many approaches. I will name patterns, including ones you may not like, and teach specific relationship skills. Being direct about what is happening is different from deciding what you should do about it.
What if I genuinely don't know what I want?
That is one of the most common places people start, and it is workable. Not knowing usually means two or more things you want are pulling against each other, or that fear is louder than preference. Sorting those apart is the work.
Does facilitating my decision mean my counsellor will just listen and nod?
It should not. A good counsellor asks pointed questions, notices contradictions, reflects back what they hear and challenges you when it would help. The aim is active help with your thinking, not passive listening.
Can therapy make me better at decisions in general?
Often, yes. When you reach a decision by working through your own reasons, you practise a process you can use again. Research on self-persuasion and on autonomous motivation suggests changes people choose for their own reasons tend to last longer than changes they are told to make.
A note: This article is general information, not therapy or a substitute for it. If you're in crisis or need urgent help, please call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline) or call 9-1-1.