Couples Therapy in Victoria, BC
Couples therapy and counselling in Victoria, BC, for couples who are tired of the same fight.
For couples who care about each other but can't seem to stop hurting each other — and want to do something about it.
At a glance
Couples counselling in Victoria: the practical details
Sessions
90 minutes, $300. Couples work needs time for both people to be heard and to get past the opening positions. Fees
Where
In person at 733 Johnson Street, Unit 228, in downtown Victoria, or securely online anywhere in British Columbia. Location & online
First step
A free 15-minute phone consultation to talk about what's happening and whether I'm the right fit. No preparation needed.
Receipts
I provide a receipt for each session for your extended health plan. Coverage varies by plan, so confirm yours directly.
Who it's for
If any of this sounds like you
- “We keep having the same fight.”
- “We don't know how to talk anymore.”
- “We're living more like roommates.”
- “We've lost our intimacy and closeness.”
- “There's been an affair, or trust has been broken.”
- “One of us is thinking about leaving.”
- “We're trying to decide whether this can be repaired.”
- “We're getting married, or navigating a big transition.”
You don't need to be in crisis to come, and you don't need to have given up. Most couples I see are somewhere in the middle: still in it, still trying, and stuck in a pattern they can't change on their own.
It's usually the pattern, not the topic
Underneath most recurring fights is a loop — one partner pursues, the other withdraws; one criticizes, the other defends — that runs on older wounds neither of you chose. My job is to help you both see the loop, understand what drives it, and learn to interrupt it.
New here? Start with why you keep having the same fight, or — if one of you goes quiet — the strong, silent type is costing you your marriage. If the closeness itself has faded, read why intimacy matters and why closeness is a pull, not a push. If you feel lonely even with both of you home, start with is it normal to feel lonely in my marriage? If one of you has ADHD, read ADHD in your marriage: a superpower, but not an excuse. If money is where it keeps landing, read why you keep fighting about money. If one of you has been told you're emotionally unavailable, read what that actually means.
What couples therapy can help with
Couples therapy for what you're actually facing
Most couples come in with one of these. Each has its own page if you want to read more first.
Marriage counselling
For married couples stuck in distance, resentment or the same argument, including long marriages that have drifted.
Affair recovery
Rebuilding trust after infidelity or another betrayal, with accountability and a plan rather than endless relitigating.
Separation & discernment
When one of you is leaning out and you need clarity about whether to stay, before anyone decides anything.
Premarital counselling
For couples getting married or moving in who want to sort out money, conflict and expectations early.
Couples in business together
For partners who share a company as well as a home, where work tension and relationship tension feed each other.
Anger & reactivity
When arguments escalate quickly, and one or both of you says things you regret.
Emotional shutdown
When one partner goes quiet or withdraws, and the other feels alone in the relationship.
Relational Life Therapy
The approach I use: direct, warm, and focused on what each of you can change.
Therapy for men
For men who want to understand their part in the pattern, on their own or alongside couples work.
What happens in couples therapy
How the work goes
First session
We get a clear picture of your relationship and what brought you in — from both of you.
Early sessions
We identify the pattern keeping you stuck, and the deeper needs and wounds underneath it on each side.
Ongoing work
You practise different ways of communicating, responding, and repairing — in real time, not just in theory.
Progress
We check whether the relationship is actually changing, and adjust. The goal isn't to win the argument — it's to stop needing to have it.
Does couples therapy work?
The research is more encouraging than most couples expect
A 2012 review of the research on couple therapy, led by Jay Lebow, found that it helps about 70% of the couples who receive it. No therapist can promise an outcome, but the odds are reasonable when both people are willing to do the work.
Timing matters too. The Gottman Institute reports that couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before getting help. By then, a lot of resentment has built up. You don't need to wait until things are at a breaking point.
If you've tried couples counselling before and it didn't help, read why couples therapy often doesn't work and what a more direct approach does differently.
A couple holding hands across a table — couples therapy in Victoria, BCWhose side am I on?
I don't take sides. I take the relationship seriously.
That's a promise to both of you. I won't referee, and I won't decide who's right. I'll be honest with each of you about your part in the pattern — because accountability on both sides is what actually creates change — and I'll stay firmly on the side of the relationship you're trying to build.
This is Relational Life Therapy: warm, direct, and unafraid to say the true thing. (Here is why ordinary couples therapy so often fails, and what RLT changes.)
Not sure whether to stay?
Getting clear counts as progress.
Some couples aren't asking “how do we make this better?” so much as “is this relationship still workable?” Both are legitimate places to start. Couples therapy isn't about saving a relationship at any cost — sometimes the first, most honest step is understanding what's really happening and whether both people are willing to do the work.
If you're carrying that question quietly, you're not alone, and it's not a betrayal to ask it out loud. We can look at it together, with honesty and care, before anyone decides anything.
Across Greater Victoria
Couples counselling in Victoria, Saanich, Oak Bay and the West Shore
The office is downtown at 733 Johnson Street, Unit 228, a short drive or bus ride from most of the region. Couples come from:
- Couples counselling in Oak Bay
- Couples counselling in Saanich
- Couples counselling in Esquimalt
- Couples counselling in Langford
- Couples counselling in Colwood
- Couples counselling in Sidney & the Peninsula
If getting to the office is hard, online couples therapy is available anywhere in British Columbia.
Who you'll be working with
I'm Koby Smutylo. I trained in Relational Life Therapy through the Relational Life Institute and hold an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University. Before this work, I spent more than two decades as a business lawyer advising entrepreneurs, executives and leaders.
Questions
What people ask about couples therapy
What happens in the first couples session?
The first session is about understanding your relationship and what brought you in. I'll hear from both of you, start to map the pattern you get stuck in, and explain how I work. You won't be put on trial, and no one gets ganged up on.
Do you take sides?
No. I don't take sides — I take the relationship seriously. That means accountability applies to both partners. I'll be honest with each of you about your part in the pattern, and firmly on the side of the relationship you're trying to build.
My partner doesn't want to come. Can I come alone?
Yes. It's one of the most common places couples work starts. A lot can shift when one partner begins to see and change their side of the pattern, and it often makes it easier for the other to join later. You don't have to wait for both people to be ready.
Can couples therapy help after an affair?
Often, yes. Rebuilding after a betrayal is some of the hardest and most common work couples do. It takes honesty, accountability, and time — but many couples come through it with a relationship that's more honest than the one they had before.
What if we're not sure we want to stay together?
That's workable, and more common than you'd think. Couples therapy isn't only about saving a relationship at any cost — sometimes the first step is getting clear about what's happening and whether both people are willing to do the work. That clarity is valuable whatever you decide.
How long does couples therapy take?
It depends on what you're working on. Some couples come for a focused stretch of six to ten sessions to break a specific pattern; others stay longer to heal a deeper rupture. We'll talk openly about progress and pacing, and check whether things are actually changing.
Do you offer couples therapy online in BC?
Yes. I see couples in person in Greater Victoria and securely online anywhere in British Columbia, which helps when schedules, distance, or shift work make meeting in person hard.
Where in Victoria is your office?
733 Johnson Street, Unit 228, in downtown Victoria — central for couples coming from Oak Bay, Saanich, Esquimalt, View Royal, Langford, Colwood and Sidney. Street and lot parking are nearby, and the office is on major bus routes.
What is the difference between couples therapy and couples counselling?
In practice, nothing. Couples therapy, couples counselling, marriage counselling and relationship counselling all describe the same work: two people, one therapist, and the pattern between you. What matters is the approach and the fit, not the label.
How much does couples therapy cost in Victoria?
Couples sessions are $300 for 90 minutes, and the first step is a free 15-minute phone consultation. Rates in Victoria vary with session length and the therapist's training, so it helps to compare the cost per hour as well as per session.
Is couples therapy covered by extended health insurance?
I can provide a receipt for each session that you can submit to your extended health plan. Whether counselling is covered, and which credentials your insurer requires, depends on your plan, so it's worth confirming with them before you start.
Why are couples sessions 90 minutes?
Couples work needs time for both people to be heard and for the conversation to get past the opening positions. Ninety minutes usually leaves room to reach the pattern underneath the argument and practise something different before you leave.
Does couples therapy actually work?
For most couples, yes. A 2012 review of the research led by Jay Lebow found that couple therapy helps about 70% of the couples who receive it. No one can guarantee an outcome, but the odds are better than many couples expect.
Therapy for men → · Couples in business together · What it costs in Victoria · Fees · Full FAQ
Free, private tools for this — nothing you enter is saved or sent.
- Which losing strategy is yours? — Fifteen quick questions based on Terry Real’s five losing strategies. See the move you reach for under stress, and what to try instead.
- What’s your attachment pattern? — Twelve questions on the two dimensions researchers use, anxiety and avoidance. See where you sit and what it means for how you and your partner fight and reconnect.
- What is my love language? — Eighteen quick questions show how you most like to receive love, as a full profile rather than a single label, with words to tell your partner.
- Build your weekly couple check-in — Choose a length and what to cover, and get a printable agenda for a weekly relationship meeting, with prompts, ground rules and a calendar reminder.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
The consultation is 15 minutes, by phone, and free. We'll talk about what's bringing you in, what you're hoping will change, and whether I'm the right person to help. No preparation, no pressure to book.