Free tool · Reflection · attachment
What’s your attachment pattern?
Attachment shapes what you do when you feel far from your partner: reach harder, pull back, or trust that you’ll find each other again. Twelve questions place you on the two dimensions researchers use.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-attachment-style-quiz.html
Adult attachment research describes how people handle closeness on two dimensions. Attachment anxiety is worry about being loved or left. Attachment avoidance is discomfort with depending on others and with emotional closeness. Low on both is secure. High anxiety is anxious. High avoidance is avoidant. High on both is fearful. Insecure attachment is linked to lower relationship satisfaction, and attachment patterns can and do change in adulthood.
Think about your current relationship, or your most recent one.
1 = strongly disagree · 3 = neutral · 5 = strongly agree
1. I worry that my partner doesn’t care about me as much as I care about them.
2. I prefer not to depend on my partner.
3. When my partner seems distant, I get anxious and want to reconnect right away.
4. I find it easy to open up to my partner about what I’m feeling.
5. I need a lot of reassurance that I’m loved.
6. When things get very close, part of me wants some space.
7. I rarely worry about my partner leaving me.
8. I’m comfortable turning to my partner when I’m struggling.
9. When my partner doesn’t reply for a while, my mind goes to what might be wrong.
10. I’d rather handle problems on my own than talk them through with my partner.
11. I feel secure that my partner will be there when I need them.
12. I get uncomfortable when my partner wants to talk about feelings.
The two dimensions behind “attachment styles”
Popular articles talk about four attachment styles as if they were boxes. Researchers mostly measure two continuous dimensions. A large analysis of the self-report attachment measures then in use found they reduced to two factors: anxiety (fear of rejection and abandonment) and avoidance (discomfort with closeness and dependence). That analysis produced the Experiences in Close Relationships scale (Brennan, Clark & Shaver, 1998), which was later refined into the ECR-R (Fraley, Waller & Brennan, 2000). The four patterns are simply the four corners of that two-dimensional space. Most people sit somewhere in between, which is why this tool shows your scores as well as a label.
How common is secure attachment?
Roughly half of adults in non-clinical samples are classified as secure. A 2025 analysis of more than 26,000 Adult Attachment Interviews found 53% of North American non-clinical mothers classified as secure, 22% dismissing (avoidant), 8% preoccupied (anxious) and 17% unresolved (Bakermans-Kranenburg et al., 2025). That figure comes from interviews rather than questionnaires, so treat it as a rough benchmark.
Why it matters for your relationship
A meta-analysis of actor and partner effects found that both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance are associated with lower relationship satisfaction, for the person and for their partner (Candel & Turliuc, 2019). In day-to-day life this shows up as the pursue–withdraw loop. One partner’s anxiety makes them reach harder, the other’s avoidance makes them retreat, and each confirms the other’s fear.
Can attachment style change?
Yes. A study that combined long-term data on 628 people, followed between ages 13 and 72, found that attachment anxiety declined on average with age, particularly in middle and older adulthood. Avoidance declined steadily across the lifespan, and being in a relationship predicted lower levels of both (Chopik, Edelstein & Grimm, 2019). Relationships that feel safe, and therapy that helps you experience safety with someone, are two of the main routes to what clinicians call earned security.
How this tool was built
I wrote twelve original statements, six for attachment anxiety and six for attachment avoidance, following the two-dimension model in the research above. Four are reverse-scored. Each dimension is averaged on a 1–5 scale, and above the midpoint (3) counts as high. The tool plots where you fall and names the nearest pattern. It is not the ECR-R or any validated instrument, and it isn’t a diagnosis. For a research-grade measure, see the ECR-R on R. Chris Fraley’s lab page. Nothing is saved or sent.
Sources
- Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult romantic attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (pp. 46–76). Guilford Press. labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/measures/measures.html
- Fraley, R. C., Waller, N. G., & Brennan, K. A. (2000). An item response theory analysis of self-report measures of adult attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 350–365. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.350
- Candel, O.-S., & Turliuc, M. N. (2019). Insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis of actor and partner associations. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 190–199. doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.04.037
- Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598–611. doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000167
- Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Dagan, O., Cárcamo, R. A., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2025). Celebrating more than 26,000 Adult Attachment Interviews. Attachment & Human Development, 27(2), 191–228. doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2024.2422045
Common questions
What are the four attachment styles?
Secure (low anxiety, low avoidance), anxious or preoccupied (high anxiety), avoidant or dismissing (high avoidance), and fearful-avoidant (high on both). Researchers mostly measure the two underlying dimensions, anxiety and avoidance, rather than sorting people into boxes.
How do I know my attachment style?
A short reflection like this one can point you in a direction. Validated questionnaires such as the ECR-R are more precise, and a therapist can help you see how your pattern actually plays out in your relationship, which matters more than the label.
Can an anxious and an avoidant partner make it work?
Yes, and it's one of the most common pairings in couples therapy. The key is recognising the pursue-withdraw loop as the shared problem, then learning to reach without pressure and to stay present without retreating.
Can your attachment style change?
Yes. Long-term research shows attachment anxiety and avoidance tend to decline across adulthood, and safe relationships and therapy can build what clinicians call earned security.
Is this a validated attachment test?
No. It's a 12-question reflection based on the research model, not a validated instrument. Use it as a starting point for reflection and conversation, not a diagnosis.
Do you work with attachment issues in couples therapy in Victoria?
Yes. Attachment patterns sit underneath much of the couples work I do, in person in downtown Victoria and online across BC. The first 15-minute consultation is free.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
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