Free tool · Self-check + guided break
Do you shut down in arguments?
Going quiet, going blank, or walking out isn’t usually not caring. More often your nervous system has hit its limit. This self-check shows your pattern, and the guided break helps you step away in a way that brings you back.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-shutdown-flooding-check.html
Shutting down in an argument, also called stonewalling, usually happens when you’re flooded: your body is in a fight-or-flight state, and you can no longer take in what your partner is saying. The fix is not to push through. Name it, take a real break of at least 20 minutes that calms your body rather than rehearsing the fight, and then come back. The coming back is what separates a break from stonewalling.
Part 1 · Self-check
Think about your last few arguments with your partner.
1 = rarely · 2 = sometimes · 3 = often · 4 = almost always
1. In an argument, my heart races or I feel hot, and I can’t think straight.
2. I go quiet or blank when my partner is upset with me.
3. Partway through a hard conversation, I stop being able to take in what my partner is saying.
4. I leave the room, or badly want to, to stop an argument.
5. I say things I regret once things get heated.
6. I give short answers, or agree just to make it stop.
7. Afterwards, I avoid bringing the topic back up.
8. It takes me hours, or longer, to feel normal again after a fight.
9. My partner says I shut them out, or that they can’t reach me.
10. I’d rather keep the peace than say what I really think.
Part 2 · Guided 20-minute break
Use this when you feel yourself flooding.
Before you start, say something like: “I’m getting flooded and I want to get this right. I need twenty minutes. I’ll come back.” Then press start.
Ready when you are
20:00
Four parts: breathe, move, let it settle, then get ready to come back.
What flooding is
In their research on married couples, John Gottman and Robert Levenson measured behaviour and physiology together while couples talked through conflicts. Couples on a path toward breaking up showed distinct patterns of both, and were at greater risk of separation over the following years (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). Gottman later described the experience as flooding: your body goes into fight-or-flight, your heart speeds up, and your ability to listen and problem-solve drops sharply. Shutting down, which Gottman calls stonewalling, is often what flooding looks like from the outside.
Why 20 minutes, and why you have to come back
The Gottman Institute recommends a break of at least 20 minutes when you’re flooded, long enough for the physiological arousal to settle (Earnshaw, Gottman Institute, 2024). What you do with the break matters. Rehearsing the argument keeps your body in alarm. Calming your body and turning your attention elsewhere lets it settle.
The return matters just as much. A break with no return is withdrawal, and withdrawal has a cost. A meta-analysis of 74 studies tied the demand–withdraw pattern to lower satisfaction for both partners (Schrodt et al., 2014). A 2022 dyadic study found that a person’s withdrawal during conflict helped explain the link between avoidant attachment and lower satisfaction, and that the pattern of one partner withdrawing while the other pressed or attacked hurt both (Bretaña et al., 2022). There is nuance too. One study found men’s withdrawal was mainly harmful when a couple had the resources to make the changes being asked for (Ross et al., 2019).
Why the break starts with breathing
Slow breathing is one of the few direct levers you have on your nervous system. A systematic review found that breathing below about ten breaths a minute increases heart-rate variability and is linked to more relaxation and fewer symptoms of arousal, anxiety and anger (Zaccaro et al., 2018). In a 2023 randomized trial, five minutes a day of exhale-focused cyclic sighing improved mood and lowered resting breathing rate more than mindfulness meditation did (Balban et al., 2023). That’s the pattern the timer cues: a double inhale through the nose, then a long exhale.
How this tool was built
The self-check has ten statements I wrote from Gottman’s descriptions of flooding and stonewalling and from clinical work. Four measure flooding and six measure shutting down. If either score reaches 45% of its range, it counts as high, and the combination gives one of four patterns. It is a reflection aid, not a validated measure. The break timer runs for 20 minutes in four phases: five minutes of cyclic-sigh breathing, ten minutes of movement and distraction, three minutes of settling, and two minutes of preparing to return. Everything runs in your browser.
Sources
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
- Earnshaw, E. (2024). How stress can cause relationship dissatisfaction. The Gottman Institute. www.gottman.com/blog/how-stress-can-cause-relationship-dissatisfaction
- Balban, M. Y., Neri, E., Kogon, M. M., et al. (2023). Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal. Cell Reports Medicine, 4(1), 100895. doi.org/10.1016/j.xcrm.2022.100895
- Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., et al. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353
- Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632
- Bretaña, I., Alonso-Arbiol, I., Recio, P., & Molero, F. (2022). Avoidant attachment, withdrawal-aggression conflict pattern, and relationship satisfaction: A mediational dyadic model. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 794942. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.794942
- Ross, J. M., Karney, B. R., Nguyen, T. P., & Bradbury, T. N. (2019). Communication that is maladaptive for middle-class couples is adaptive for socioeconomically disadvantaged couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 582–597. doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000158
Common questions
Why do I shut down during arguments?
Usually because you're flooded. Your body goes into fight-or-flight, and your ability to listen and think clearly drops. Shutting down protects you from that overload. For some people it's also a learned way of keeping the peace. Either way it's a pattern, not a character flaw, and it can change.
Is shutting down the same as stonewalling?
Stonewalling is what John Gottman calls withdrawing from an interaction: going silent, turning away, or leaving. It's often a sign of flooding rather than indifference. The difference between stonewalling and a healthy break is whether you name it and come back.
How long should a break during a fight be?
The Gottman Institute recommends at least 20 minutes, long enough for your body to settle. Spend it calming down, not rehearsing the argument, and agree on when you'll come back. If you need longer, say so and set a specific time.
What is cyclic sighing?
A breathing pattern of two inhales through the nose, a full breath and then a short top-up, followed by a long, slow exhale through the mouth. In a 2023 randomized trial, five minutes a day improved mood and lowered breathing rate more than mindfulness meditation.
My partner shuts down. How can I help?
Agree on a break signal in a calm moment, accept the break when it's called, and expect them to come back at the agreed time. Pursuing harder in the moment usually makes flooding worse. If the pattern is entrenched, couples therapy helps you both change it.
Do you offer therapy for emotional shutdown in Victoria?
Yes, for individuals and couples, in person in downtown Victoria and by secure video across BC. A free 15-minute consultation is the easiest way to start.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
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