Free tool · Emotion finder · for men (and anyone)
What am I actually feeling?
A lot of men notice two feelings: angry and fine. Underneath there’s usually something more specific. This tool works from the situation and what your body is doing to name it, and then helps you say it.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-what-am-i-feeling.html
To work out what you’re feeling, start with what is easiest to notice: what just happened, and what your body is doing. Then get more specific than the first word that comes up. “Angry” or “stressed” often sits on top of hurt, fear, shame, sadness or loneliness. Naming a feeling precisely isn’t soft. Brain-imaging research shows that putting a feeling into words reduces activity in the brain’s alarm system, and people with a more precise emotional vocabulary cope better under stress.
1. What happened?
Pick the closest one.
2. What is your body doing? (tick any)
3. If someone asked how you are, what would you say?
Why naming a feeling helps
Putting a feeling into words does something measurable. In a well-known brain-imaging study, labelling the emotion in a picture reduced the response of the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, compared with other ways of processing the same image (Lieberman et al., 2007). A later review describes affect labelling as a form of implicit emotion regulation. It reduces emotional intensity across experience, the body and behaviour, and works much like deliberately reframing a situation (Torre & Lieberman, 2018).
Precision matters too. People who describe negative feelings with more specific words, which researchers call emotional granularity, are less likely to cope in harmful ways such as binge drinking or aggression (Kashdan, Barrett & McKnight, 2015). “I feel dismissed” gives you and your partner something to work with. “I’m ticked off” mostly doesn’t.
Why this can be harder for men
Most men weren’t taught a big emotional vocabulary. Research on alexithymia, difficulty identifying and describing feelings, finds men score somewhat higher than women on average. The gap is small, and it is largest for “externally oriented thinking”, the habit of focusing on facts and tasks rather than inner experience (Levant et al., 2009; Mendia et al., 2024). Psychologist Ronald Levant calls the culturally trained version of this normative male alexithymia. It is learned, which means it can be unlearned.
The cost shows up in the numbers. In the Canadian Men’s Health Foundation’s 2025 survey of 2,000 men, 23% were at risk of moderate-to-severe depression, up four points in a year, and 67% were not seeking professional mental-health support (CMHF, 2025).
Why the body comes first
If you don’t have a word for it yet, your body usually has a signal: a tight jaw, heat in your face, a knot in your stomach, the urge to leave the room. Those are easier for many men to notice than feelings, and they point toward specific emotions. Heat and the urge to hide often travel with shame. A lump in the throat often goes with hurt or sadness. That’s why the tool starts there.
Saying it to your partner is the step that changes a relationship. “I got angry, but underneath I felt shut out” is a different conversation from a slammed door. If your usual move is to go quiet, try the shutdown and flooding self-check.
How this tool was built
I built the tool from clinical experience and the emotion research cited here. Each situation, body signal and surface word adds weight to eight emotion families, and the tool shows the three families with the most weight, each with more specific words. The weightings are clinical judgement, not a validated model, so treat the result as suggestions to check against your own experience. The sentence builder follows a simple structure: what happened, what I noticed, what I felt underneath, and what would help. Nothing you choose or type is saved or sent.
Sources
- Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
- Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. Emotion Review, 10(2), 116–124. doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706
- Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking emotion differentiation: Transforming unpleasant experience by perceiving distinctions in negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10–16. doi.org/10.1177/0963721414550708
- Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender differences in alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(3), 190–203. doi.org/10.1037/a0015652
- Mendia, J., Zumeta, L. N., Cusi, O., et al. (2024). Gender differences in alexithymia: Insights from an updated meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 227, 112710. doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2024.112710
- Canadian Men’s Health Foundation (2025). 2025 Men’s Mental Health Research. menshealthfoundation.ca/research/2025-mens-mental-health-research
Common questions
How do I figure out what I'm feeling?
Start with what is easiest to notice: what just happened and what your body is doing. Then get more specific than your first word. Angry or stressed often sits on top of hurt, fear, shame, sadness or loneliness. Try a few words and notice which one lands.
Why do men struggle to identify emotions?
Mostly because of training, not biology. Research finds a small average gender difference in difficulty identifying feelings, largest in focusing on facts and tasks rather than inner experience. Many men were taught that only anger was acceptable. It's a skill, and it can be learned at any age.
Is anger a secondary emotion?
Often, though not always. Anger is a real and useful feeling when a line has been crossed. It also frequently arrives first and covers something more vulnerable, like hurt, fear or shame. Noticing what is underneath usually makes the anger easier to handle.
Does naming emotions actually help?
Yes. Brain-imaging research shows that labelling a feeling reduces activity in the amygdala, and people who use more precise emotion words tend to cope better under stress. It's one of the simplest emotion-regulation tools there is.
What if I genuinely feel nothing?
Feeling numb or blank is common under stress, especially for people who shut down in conflict. It's often the body protecting you from overwhelm. Start with physical signals, and if numbness is persistent or spreading into the rest of your life, it's worth talking to a doctor or therapist.
Do you offer therapy for men in Victoria, BC?
Yes. Much of my practice is men, many of them high-functioning and new to therapy, in person in downtown Victoria and by secure video across BC. The first 15-minute consultation is free.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
The consultation is 15 minutes, by phone, and free. We'll talk about what's bringing you in, what you're hoping will change, and whether I'm the right person to help. No preparation, no pressure to book.