Free tool · Quiz · Relational Life Therapy
Which losing strategy is yours?
Under stress, most of us reach for the same move every time. This quiz shows you which of the five losing strategies from Relational Life Therapy you lean on most, and what to do instead.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-losing-strategies-quiz.html
Losing strategies are the five moves Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), sees couples use when a conflict heats up: being right, controlling, unbridled self-expression, retaliation and withdrawal. Each one can win you the moment. Over time each one costs closeness. Most people have one or two favourites. Knowing yours is the first step to choosing something else.
Think about the last few times things got tense with your partner.
How often does each statement describe you? There are no right answers. Answer for how you actually behave, not how you’d like to.
1 = rarely · 2 = sometimes · 3 = often · 4 = almost always
1. I focus on getting the facts straight and showing what really happened.
2. I tell my partner how they should handle it — or how they should feel about it.
3. I say exactly what I feel in the moment, however it comes out.
4. When I feel hurt, I find a way to make my partner feel some of it too.
5. I go quiet, leave the room, or change the subject.
6. I keep explaining my point until my partner sees it my way.
7. I manage what my partner does so that things go the way I think they should.
8. I tell myself I’m just being honest, even when I’m raising my voice or listing everything that’s wrong.
9. I bring up my partner’s past mistakes to even the score.
10. I agree just to end the conversation, without really meaning it.
11. Even after we move on, part of me is still sure I was right.
12. When I’m worried, I tighten my grip — more checking, more reminders, more rules.
13. Once I start venting, it’s hard for me to stop.
14. I get sarcastic or cutting, or hold back affection, to make a point.
15. I pull back emotionally and keep my real feelings to myself.
What are the five losing strategies?
Terry Real is a family therapist and the founder of Relational Life Therapy. He describes five moves that people make when a conflict gets hot, and he calls them losing strategies because they reliably make things worse:
- Being right — arguing the facts until the other person concedes.
- Controlling — managing your partner’s behaviour or feelings, either openly or through guilt and pressure.
- Unbridled self-expression — venting everything, unedited, and calling it honesty.
- Retaliation — hitting back when you feel hurt, either openly or by withholding.
- Withdrawal — going quiet, leaving, or pulling away emotionally.
Real ties these moves to two positions people slip into under stress. One-up is superior and entitled to correct or punish. One-down is ashamed and hiding. Most of us have a favourite move, and most couples have a pattern in which one partner’s move sets off the other’s.
Why are they called “losing”?
Each strategy works in the short term. You win the point, get relief, restore some sense of control, or avoid the blow-up. The cost shows up later, in how much the two of you trust and enjoy each other.
The research on conflict points the same way. A meta-analysis of 74 studies with more than 14,000 participants found that the demand–withdraw pattern, where one partner pushes and the other pulls away, is tied to lower satisfaction and intimacy for both partners (Schrodt et al., 2014). In Gottman and Levenson’s long-term study of married couples, negativity during conflict predicted which couples divorced early. Their sample was small (Gottman & Levenson, 2000). A 2020 machine-learning analysis of 43 longitudinal couples studies found conflict among the five strongest relationship predictors of how people feel about their relationship (Joel et al., 2020).
What to do with your result
Notice it. The point is to catch the move while it’s happening, not to feel bad about it. Most people find they can name their strategy a few seconds into using it long before they can stop it.
Say it out loud. “I’m doing my being-right thing” lowers the temperature, because you’re pointing at the pattern rather than at your partner.
Practise the alternative in small moments. Real’s alternatives come down to a few skills: turn complaints into requests, say what is true with care for how it lands, listen generously, and help your partner give you what you want. Those are easier to learn on a Tuesday than in the middle of a fight.
If your strongest strategy is withdrawal, the shutdown and flooding self-check includes a guided twenty-minute break. If the same argument keeps coming back, here is why couples keep having the same fight.
Is this evidence-based?
Relational Life Therapy is a clinical model. I know of no published controlled trial of RLT itself. The behaviour it targets — criticism, contempt, stonewalling, demand–withdraw — is among the best-studied territory in couples research, and that is the research this page cites. Treat your result as a prompt for reflection, not a measurement.
How this tool was built
I wrote the fifteen statements myself, three for each strategy, based on Terry Real’s descriptions in The New Rules of Marriage (2007) and Us (2022). The statements are mixed in order so the quiz is harder to game. Each strategy is scored from 3 to 12, and your highest score or scores are shown with an explanation and an alternative. The quiz has not been validated as a psychological measure. It is a structured way to look at your own habits. It runs entirely in your browser.
Sources
- Real, T. (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. Ballantine Books.
- Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Goop Press / Rodale.
- Relational Life Institute. The five losing strategies. relationallife.com/5-losing-strategies-webinar-june-2026
- Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62, 737–745. bpl.studentorg.berkeley.edu/docs/61-Timing%20of%20Divorce00.pdf
- Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., et al. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. PNAS, 117(32), 19061–19071. doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
Common questions
What are the five losing strategies in Relational Life Therapy?
Terry Real names five: being right, controlling, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, and withdrawal. Each one gets you something in the moment, such as winning the point, relief, or avoiding a blow-up, and each one damages closeness over time.
What is the most common losing strategy?
There is no published count. In practice, being right and withdrawal show up constantly, and they often pair up: one partner argues the case while the other goes quiet. That push-and-pull is the demand-withdraw pattern, one of the most studied patterns in couples research.
Can I have more than one losing strategy?
Yes. Most people have a main move and a back-up. Someone might start by arguing to be right and switch to withdrawal when that doesn't work. The quiz shows all five scores so you can see your whole pattern.
What are the winning strategies in RLT?
Real's alternatives come down to a few skills: turning complaints into clear requests, speaking honestly with care for how it lands, listening generously, helping your partner give you what you want, and cherishing what you have together.
Is this quiz a diagnosis?
No. It's an unvalidated self-reflection tool based on a clinical model. It can't tell you whether your relationship is healthy. It can help you notice a habit and talk about it.
Do you offer Relational Life Therapy in Victoria, BC?
Yes. I work with couples and individuals using Relational Life Therapy, in person in downtown Victoria and by secure video anywhere in British Columbia. The first 15-minute consultation is free.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
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