Free tool · Decision guide · discernment counselling
Should we try counselling? Find your next step.
When one of you wants to work on the relationship and the other isn’t sure, ordinary couples therapy often stalls. Tell this guide where each of you stands and it will suggest which kind of help fits right now.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-discernment-next-step.html
Discernment counselling is a short process, usually one to five sessions, for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. It does not try to fix the marriage. It helps both people get clear and confident about one of three paths: keep things as they are for now, move toward separation, or commit to a time-limited, all-in effort at couples therapy. The right next step depends on where each of you stands. That’s what this guide asks.
1. Where do you stand right now?
2. Where do you think your partner stands?
Your best guess is fine. If your partner is filling this in with you, use their answer.
3. Is there a recent or ongoing affair?
4. Do you ever feel afraid of your partner, or controlled by them?
Why ordinary couples therapy stalls when one partner is leaning out
Couples therapy assumes that both people want to improve the relationship. Often they don’t. William Doherty, the family therapist at the University of Minnesota who developed discernment counselling, calls these mixed-agenda couples: one partner is leaning out, the other is leaning in. Put them in regular couples therapy and the leaning-in partner works hard while the leaning-out partner holds back. Each grows more discouraged.
Mixed agendas are common, even among couples already in the divorce process. In a survey of 2,484 divorcing parents, about one in four said their marriage could still be saved, and about three in ten said they might be interested in reconciliation services. In matched couples, about one in three had one partner interested and the other not (Doherty, Willoughby & Peterson, 2011).
What discernment counselling actually is
Discernment counselling is brief, usually one to five sessions, and its goal is clarity, not repair. Much of each session is spent with each partner individually. The leaning-out partner gets room to think without being pushed. The leaning-in partner works on what they could change, without pleading. At the end, the couple chooses one of three paths:
- Keep things as they are for now, and revisit later.
- Move toward separation, ideally with as little damage as possible.
- Make a six-month, all-in effort at couples therapy, with separation off the table during that time.
In a review of 100 discernment cases, roughly half of the couples chose to try couples therapy (Doherty, Harris & Wilde, 2016). That figure comes from a clinical case review, not a controlled trial, so read it as a rough guide.
Separation in Canada: the context
Canada recorded 42,933 divorces in 2020, the lowest number since 1973. The divorce rate fell from 12.7 per 1,000 married people in 1991 to 5.6 in 2020 (Justice Canada, 2026). The 2020 drop was partly a pandemic effect, because courts were disrupted, so it isn’t a trend line. Those figures also leave out common-law separations, which are a large share of break-ups in Canada.
When couples work isn’t the right first step
If you are afraid of your partner, or feel controlled by them, joint sessions are not where to start. The guide sends you to safety resources instead. If an affair is ongoing, most therapists won’t begin couples therapy until it ends, though discernment counselling can still help with that decision.
How this tool was built
The guide maps where each partner stands — leaning in, unsure, leaning out, or decided — onto the options that Doherty’s discernment model and ordinary clinical practice would suggest, with two safety checks: fear or control, and an ongoing affair. It is a decision aid, not an assessment. I wrote it to sit alongside the much longer Discernment Assessment on this site. Nothing you choose is saved or sent.
Sources
- Doherty, W. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Peterson, B. (2011). Interest in marital reconciliation among divorcing parents. Family Court Review, 49(2), 313–321. doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2011.01373.x
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255. doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
- Department of Justice Canada (2026). Marriage and divorce trends in Canada, 1921 to 2020. JustFacts. justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/jf-pf/2026/mdt-tmd/index.html
- VictimLinkBC, Government of British Columbia: confidential 24/7 support, 1-800-563-0808. www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/justice/criminal-justice/victims-of-crime/victimlinkbc
Common questions
What is discernment counselling?
A short process, usually one to five sessions, for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other wants to save it. The goal is clarity and confidence about the next step, not fixing the relationship. Couples choose between keeping things as they are, moving toward separation, or a six-month all-in effort at couples therapy.
How is discernment counselling different from couples therapy?
Couples therapy assumes both partners want to improve the relationship. Discernment counselling is for when that isn't true yet. It spends much of the time with each partner individually and ends with a decision rather than an ongoing treatment plan.
Can discernment counselling work if my partner has already decided to leave?
Sometimes. If the decided partner is willing to come to one or two sessions, the decision can be made with eyes open, and some people do reconsider. If they won't come, individual counselling for the partner who wants to stay is usually the most useful next step.
What if we are both unsure?
That is common and workable. Discernment counselling or a set number of couples sessions with an agreed check-in point both make sense. The important thing is to decide deliberately rather than drift.
Is discernment counselling safe if there is abuse or coercive control?
Joint sessions are not recommended when one partner is afraid of the other. Start with individual support. In BC, VictimLinkBC is available 24/7 by phone or text at 1-800-563-0808, and in an emergency call 9-1-1.
Do you offer discernment counselling in Victoria, BC?
Yes, in person in downtown Victoria and by secure video anywhere in British Columbia. A free 15-minute consultation is a good way to see whether it fits.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
The consultation is 15 minutes, by phone, and free. We'll talk about what's bringing you in, what you're hoping will change, and whether I'm the right person to help. No preparation, no pressure to book.