Free tool · Planner · separation
Separating well: a plan for telling the kids and the first 30 days.
Once the decision is made, how you separate matters a great deal, especially to your children. Answer a few questions and this planner will build a printable plan you can work through together, or on your own.
Victoria Relationship Therapy · https://victoriarelationshiptherapy.ca/tools-separating-well-planner.html
Separating well comes down to a few things done deliberately: tell the children together, with a simple shared explanation that isn’t their fault and doesn’t blame either parent; keep their routines as steady as you can; keep adult conflict away from them; and agree on how the two of you will communicate. Research consistently finds that it is conflict between parents, more than the separation itself, that does the most harm to children.
1. Do you have children together?
2. How old are they? (tick all that apply)
3. Have the children been told?
4. What do your children call each of you? (optional, used in the script)
5. Have you agreed who lives where, at least for now?
6. Can the two of you talk calmly enough to plan together?
7. Is anyone afraid for their safety, or has there been violence or threats?
What actually harms children in a separation
Children are resilient about separation itself. They are much less resilient about conflict. A review of the research on parental conflict concluded that children’s mental health is harmed by conflict between parents whether or not the parents live together. How conflict is handled matters more than family structure alone (Harold & Sellers, 2018). A meta-analysis of 169 studies found that hostile conflict between parents was most strongly linked to children’s behaviour problems, and most of those links held over time (van Eldik et al., 2020).
Among divorced families specifically, a meta-analysis covering 24,854 families found that the effect of parental conflict on children ran partly through parenting: hostility, intrusiveness, and children being pulled into adult roles (van Dijk et al., 2020). So keeping your parenting warm and steady, and keeping the children out of the middle, protects them directly.
What the law focuses on
Since March 1, 2021, Canada’s Divorce Act requires courts making parenting orders to consider only the best interests of the child. The Act also replaced “custody” and “access” with parenting time and decision-making responsibility (Justice Canada). BC’s Family Law Act, which covers unmarried parents as well, uses the same best-interests-only test (s. 37). Plans that put the children’s routines and relationships first match what a court would look for anyway.
Arrangements are changing. In 2017, 25.0% of separated or divorced parents in Canada reported shared parenting time (40–60%), up from 9.4% in 2011 (Justice Canada, 2026).
Telling the children: the essentials
- Together, if it’s safe. One shared story tells the children their parents can still cooperate.
- Not their fault, and final. Children of almost every age wonder both. Say it, and expect to say it again.
- Concrete over abstract. Where they’ll sleep and who picks them up matters more to them than why.
- No adult details. Affairs, money and blame stay between the adults.
- Permission to feel anything, and to ask anything, more than once.
How this tool was built
The planner builds its plan from your answers. The script and age notes reflect common clinical guidance on telling children about separation. The research summaries and legal references are listed below. If you report safety concerns, the plan puts safety first and drops the advice to tell the children together. This is general information, not legal advice. Each of you should get independent advice from a BC family lawyer. Nothing you enter, including names, is saved or sent.
Sources
- Harold, G. T., & Sellers, R. (2018). Annual research review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: An evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 59(4), 374–402. doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12893
- van Eldik, W. M., de Haan, A. D., Parry, L. Q., Davies, P. T., Luijk, M. P. C. M., Arends, L. R., & Prinzie, P. (2020). The interparental relationship: Meta-analytic associations with children’s maladjustment and responses to interparental conflict. Psychological Bulletin, 146(7), 553–594. doi.org/10.1037/bul0000233
- van Dijk, R., van der Valk, I. E., Deković, M., & Branje, S. (2020). A meta-analysis on interparental conflict, parenting, and child adjustment in divorced families. Clinical Psychology Review, 79, 101861. doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101861
- Department of Justice Canada. The Divorce Act changes explained: best interests of the child (s. 16). justice.canada.ca/eng/fl-df/cfl-mdf/dace-clde/div48.html
- Department of Justice Canada. Parenting Plan Tool. justice.canada.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html
- Department of Justice Canada (2026). Parent-reported parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, 2017. justice.canada.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/rib-reb/prpaasd2017-apdpasd2017/index.html
- Government of British Columbia. Parenting After Separation (PAS) courses. www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/life-events/divorce/family-justice/who-can-help/family-justice-services-division/pas
- Family Law Act, SBC 2011, c. 25, Part 4 (care of and time with children), s. 37. www.bclaws.gov.bc.ca/civix/document/id/lc/statreg/11025_04
Common questions
How do you tell your kids you're separating?
Together if it's safe, with a short shared explanation: it's a grown-up decision, it isn't their fault, it's final, and you both still love them. Focus on what stays the same and what will change in their daily life, keep adult details out of it, and invite questions, more than once.
What should we do in the first month after separating?
Agree on temporary living and parenting arrangements in writing, keep the children's routines steady, sort out who pays which bills for now, gather financial documents, and each get independent legal advice before signing anything. In BC, the free Parenting After Separation course is a good early step.
Does separation harm children?
Research finds that ongoing conflict between parents, more than separation itself, is what most affects children's wellbeing. Warm, consistent parenting and keeping children out of adult conflict are strongly protective.
What is 'parenting time' under the Divorce Act?
Since March 2021 the Divorce Act uses 'parenting time' (when a child is in a parent's care) and 'decision-making responsibility' (major decisions about health, education and so on) instead of custody and access. Courts must consider only the child's best interests.
Is separation counselling worth it if we've already decided?
Often, yes. It can help you agree on how to tell the children, lower conflict during the practical decisions, and give each of you somewhere to process the loss, so it doesn't spill into co-parenting.
Is this legal advice?
No. It's general information and a planning aid. Each of you should get independent advice from a BC family lawyer, Legal Aid BC, or a Family Justice Counsellor about your situation.
A note on this tool. It runs entirely in your browser — your answers are never saved, stored, or sent to Koby or anyone else. It is a self-reflection aid built from published research and clinical models, not a diagnosis, not therapy, and not personalized advice. If you’re in crisis or worried about your safety, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), call 9-1-1, or call the Vancouver Island Crisis Line at 1-888-494-3888.
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