My Approach · Victoria, BC
How I work: Relational Life Therapy.
Warm enough to feel safe. Direct enough to create change. Here's what that actually means.
The short version
Honesty, on your side.
My primary training is in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), an approach developed by therapist Terry Real and taught through the Relational Life Institute. If most therapy you've imagined involves a quiet professional nodding while you talk, RLT is something else. I get involved. I'll help you see what you can't see from inside the pattern, and I'll tell you the truth about it — kindly, but plainly.
It's built for people who don't want to spend two years circling the same problem: practical, relational, and aimed at change you can feel in your kitchen, not just insight you nod along to in my office.
What makes it different
I won't stay neutral.
Classic couples therapy often prizes neutrality — even-handed, reflective, careful not to take a side. RLT takes a different view: staying neutral about behaviour that's harming a relationship isn't kindness, it's avoidance. So I'll be on your side and honest with you. RLT calls this compassionate confrontation: the truth, delivered with warmth, in the service of the relationship you're trying to build.
Both people, accountable
RLT doesn't hunt for a villain and a victim. Its core move is relational accountability: you aren't the problem, but your patterns are part of the problem — and patterns can change. Each of you gets an honest, respectful look at your own side of the dance, because that's the only side you can actually change.
The five losing strategies
The moves that feel right and make it worse.
Terry Real names five things we reach for under stress that reliably backfire. Most couples recognize themselves instantly:
- Being right. Winning the argument at the expense of the relationship.
- Controlling your partner. Managing, criticizing, or trying to change them into who you need.
- Unbridled self-expression. Saying whatever you feel, however you feel it, and calling it honesty.
- Retaliation. Getting your own back when you've been hurt, so no one has to feel it alone.
- Withdrawal. Going silent, shutting down, or leaving the field when things get hard.
None of these make you a bad person. They're the adaptive child at work — the part of you that learned these moves early, to survive. The work is noticing when that younger part has taken the wheel, and handing it back to the grounded adult you actually are.
Why it fits
Especially good for couples — and for men.
Because it's direct without being harsh and warm without being soft, RLT tends to land for people who are allergic to being lectured and tired of talking in circles. It gives couples a shared, honest map of the pattern they're stuck in, and it gives men something practical to do rather than an hour of vague feelings. If you want to see the ideas in action, the Reflections put them into plain language.
Questions
Questions about how I work
What is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is an approach to couples and individual work developed by therapist Terry Real. It's direct, practical, and honest: rather than staying neutral, the therapist gets actively involved, helps you see the patterns you're caught in, and holds both people accountable for their part in creating change.
How is RLT different from traditional couples therapy?
Traditional therapy often prizes neutrality — the therapist stays even-handed and reflective. RLT takes a stance. I'll be warm, but I won't stay neutral about behaviour that's hurting your relationship. RLT calls this 'compassionate confrontation': I'll tell you the truth, on your side, and help both of you move toward each other.
What does 'relational accountability' mean?
It means both partners own their part. You're not the problem — but your patterns are part of the problem, and patterns can change. RLT doesn't look for a villain and a victim; it helps each person see how they co-create the distance, and take responsibility for changing their own side of it.
What is the 'adaptive child'?
It's the part of you that learned, early in life, how to stay safe — by taking charge, going along, shutting down, or getting big. Those strategies made sense once. In an adult relationship they often backfire. RLT helps you notice when the adaptive child has taken the wheel, and hand it back to the grounded, present adult you actually are.
Does RLT work for men?
Particularly well. It's direct without being harsh and warm without being soft — no shame, no endless talking in circles, just an honest look at what's happening and what to do about it. That tends to land for men who are used to solving problems and allergic to being lectured.
Do you only use RLT?
It's my primary lens, and where it's clinically useful I draw on other relationship-focused approaches. But the spirit stays the same: honesty, accountability, and change you can feel in real life.
You don't have to figure this out alone.
The consultation is 15 minutes, by phone, and free. We'll talk about what's bringing you in, what you're hoping will change, and whether I'm the right person to help. No preparation, no pressure to book.