Reflections · Individuals
Why strong men go to therapy
Going to therapy isn't the opposite of being a strong man — it's one of the strongest, most self-respecting things a man can do. The old script — handle it yourself, don't complain, don't need anyone — isn't strength; it's isolation with good branding, and it's quietly costing men their health, their relationships, and sometimes their lives. Real strength is being able to look at yourself honestly, take responsibility, and do something about it. That's not the opposite of therapy. That is therapy.
Let's be honest about the script most men were handed: handle it yourself, don't complain, don't need anyone, and whatever you do, don't fall apart. It gets called "being a man." I'd call it something else — isolation with good branding.
The script most men were handed
From boyhood, a lot of men are trained to treat needs as weakness. Feel something hard? Bury it. Struggling? Push through. Ask for help? Only if the bone is visibly sticking out — and even then, reluctantly. From the outside it can look like strength. On the inside it's a man carrying more and more, alone, with fewer and fewer people he can actually talk to.
What the silence actually costs
This isn't a soft observation — the numbers are stark. In Canada, suicide rates are roughly three times higher among men than women (Public Health Agency of Canada). It isn't that men struggle more — it's that they suffer more quietly. The Mental Health Commission of Canada notes that men are less likely to recognize, talk about, or seek treatment for mental illness, even though they experience it at rates comparable to women. The struggle is the same. The silence is the difference.
And the silence doesn't stay in one lane. The same habit that keeps a man out of a doctor's office keeps him from telling his partner he's overwhelmed, keeps him snapping instead of speaking, keeps him in the room but absent from the marriage. Men rarely lose their relationships in one big blow-up. They lose them in ten thousand small moments of "I'm fine."
Strength, reconsidered
Here's the reframe I offer men in my office: strength was never the absence of needs. Real strength is the capacity to look at yourself honestly, own your part, and change what isn't working — especially when it's uncomfortable. It takes far more nerve to say "I don't like who I've been lately" than to white-knuckle through another year. Connection isn't the opposite of strength. It's what strength is for.
What men actually work on in therapy
Therapy for men isn't lying on a couch narrating your childhood forever. It's practical, and it's usually about specific, familiar things:
- Anger that's really hurt or fear wearing a tougher costume.
- Going cold or shutting down in conflict — and what that does to the people who love you.
- The pressure to provide and perform, and the loneliness underneath "I've got it handled."
- Being physically present as a partner or father while you're emotionally somewhere else.
- Old wounds — from your own father, your own boyhood — quietly running your reactions today.
Why my approach fits men
My primary training is in Relational Life Therapy, developed by Terry Real, and it suits men for a reason: it's direct without being harsh, and warm without being soft. I won't shame you, and I won't just nod along either. I'll be straight with you, hold you to account, and stay firmly on your side — the side of the man you actually want to be. The longer version of how I work is on my about page.
How to start
You don't have to be in crisis, and you don't have to commit to anything. A free 15-minute consult is a low-stakes way to find out if it's a fit. I work with men on anxiety, stress, and feeling stuck, and with couples, in person in Victoria and online across BC. Going to therapy won't make you less of a man. It might make you more of the one you meant to be.
Common questions
Isn't therapy only for men who are really struggling?
No. Plenty of men come to therapy functioning fine on paper — working, providing, holding it together — while feeling disconnected, on edge, or not like themselves. You don't have to be in crisis to benefit, and it's usually easier to work on things before they harden.
Will therapy just make me sit around talking about my feelings?
Not the way you're picturing it. My work is practical and direct — we name the pattern, understand what's driving it, and build concrete skills you can use in real life. Feelings come up because they're useful information, not because we're wallowing.
Why are men less likely to go to therapy?
Most men were trained early to treat needing help as weakness. The Mental Health Commission of Canada notes that men are less likely to recognize, talk about, or seek treatment for mental health struggles, despite experiencing them at similar rates to women. It's not a shortage of problems — it's a shortage of permission.
My partner keeps suggesting therapy — should I go?
It's worth taking seriously. Often a partner is naming something real that's hard to see from the inside. You can start with couples work or your own individual sessions; either way, showing up is a sign of strength, not defeat.
What does “strong men go to therapy” actually mean?
It means real strength is the willingness to look at yourself honestly, take responsibility, and change what isn't working — which is exactly what good therapy asks of you. Handling everything alone isn't strength; it's isolation. Connection is strength.
Do you work with men on anger, stress, or shutting down?
Yes — those are some of the most common things men bring: anger that's covering hurt, stress and pressure with no outlet, and going cold or silent in conflict. We work on what's underneath and on practical ways to do it differently.
Do you offer counselling for men in Victoria and online?
Yes. I work with men in person in Greater Victoria and securely online anywhere in British Columbia. You can book a free 15-minute consultation to see if we're a fit.
A note: This article is general information, not therapy or a substitute for it. If you're in crisis or need urgent help, please call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline) or call 9-1-1.